Catch Me If You Can

Maybe its just me, but do any of you have that thing that you are constantly chasing?  You can see it off in the distance, so close you can almost reach it, but somehow as soon as you reach it, it's still further off.  It's that thing that you are really pursuing above everything else.  We talk about pursuing love, and pursuing grace, and pursuing peace.  But that's the point, we're always pursuing these things, how often can we say that we have taken hold of them, grasped them, and allowed them to ground us deeply?

I'm always chasing contentment.  Running after it at a breakneck pace.  Somehow, no matter what right this millisecond looks like, there is always a moment or a person or a situation from the past or an imagined fantasy of the future, that feels SO much better than the present.  I look back with regret on all the times that I did not fully and truly experience what was going on around me because I was too busy longing to be elsewhere.  And now, so often, I'm missing this present, this right now, because I am remembering the way things were before.  Even more dangerous for me is extrapolating into the future.  Is there anything worse than the "If only" game?  If only I was prettier.  If only I was smarter. If only I could have that.  If only I could go there.  If only I could be like her.  If only, then.  Then I will be content.  Then I will be satisfied.  Then I will be happy.  Then I will be able to relax.  Then (and only then) I will be able to sit down on the inside and fully worship the God that I claim to trust and obey.

But it doesn't work.  Have you ever watched little kids at the park chasing butterflies?  They run and they run on their short little legs reaching with chubby fingers to grasp at the jewel floating on the wind.  Even when they think they've finally caught up, the treasure will flutter just a bit higher and up out of their grasp.  Every once in a blue moon, a child will pounce upon a particularly tired or unaware butterfly.  They capture their prize with glee only to look down crestfallen.  In their enthusiasm, they have inadvertently crushed the patterned wings that they had so admired, and suddenly this game is no longer fun.  Lets go play something else.  When I finally achieve or possess that thing which promised me contentment, there is the initial rush of victory, but it is quickly followed by a strange sense of loss.  Now, I want something else.  And won't we always?

There is a single girl, and all she wants is a boyfriend.  That's all.  If she can just have that she will be content.  But then she gets the boyfriend and she just wants him to be her fiance.  That's all.  Then she's so tired of being a fiance and just wants a husband.  Now she's desperate to have a family.  But if they would hurry up and grow up a little so she doesn't have to change so many dirty diapers, it would be SO nice....and honestly, all she needs is for them to get into the very best schools so she won't have to worry so much.  If only they will make the best grades.  If only they will behave.  If only she could get a better job.  If only she could make more money.  Then, THEN she will be.....perfectly content.  It is never ending.  It is never satisfying.  It is a race I cannot win.  The things I pursue are too fragile to carry the weight of all my happiness.  I look down the road I'm on and feel despair when I realize that there is no finish line, and no final destination.  Just when I think I have caught up on contentment, I open my hands in triumph only to discover broken wings.

I have this favorite quote.  Its my favorite because I find it nearly impossible.  Jim Elliot once said, "Wherever you are, be all there".  But...HOW?  The only conclusion I can come to is the chorus of a song that's been running through my head as I've pounded this out on my computer keys-  "There is a joy in the journey, There's a light we can love on the way.  There is a wonder and a wildness to life, and freedom for those who obey"  I have no claim on yesterday.  Yesterday makes me who I am, but I cannot change it, no matter how hard I might wish otherwise.  Tomorrow is an utter mystery.  And it has not been promised to me, how can I presume otherwise?  Today.  Now, right now, is all I have.  Just this piece of the road i'm currently walking.  Can I find Joy in this Journey called Life?  Can I let Jesus meet me in the HERE?  If I could learn this lesson, I can hardly fathom the richness my life would have.  All that striving, eliminated.  All that stress and discontent swept away by my present reality of a life hidden in Christ alone.  Just for this moment.  Just for this breath.  I very much doubt I shall ever truly get the hang of it.  But I think, at the end of the day, I would much rather try to pursue a Christ that I cannot crush with my own whims, than spend all my energy chasing a vision of a flimsy fulfillment that will leave me empty handed.

Why I got Inked

Well, its been a little over a month since I got a tattoo for my 21st birthday.  Due to my facebook advertising (ha this picture was my profile picture for quite a while) lots of people have asked me about it and wanted to see it.  "You got a tattoo!?  What does it mean?  What does it say?  Did it hurt?"    To be honest, even if no one ever saw my tattoo, I'd still be glad that I had it because I got it for more personal reasons than public ones.  But that being said, I love the conversations that my tattoo generates.  Sometimes I find myself overwhelmed in trying to explain exactly what it means.  I never seem to be able to fully verbalize it to people the way that I want to, because this short Hebraic phrase behind my ear has so much meaning for me spiritually, historically, and personally.  Not only does my explanation in daily conversation often seem to fall short, but I also often find myself running into a language barrier.  For my friends who aren't Christians, the phrase "bondslave of Jesus Christ" evokes confusion and not understanding.  As one of my co-workers recently put it, "wait, so you're in bondage to Jesus???"  Not only does that sound really bizarre, but the fact that I got that TATTOOED on myself is even weirder......especially since Slavery is SO not politically correct in any context.  And I mean, if I thought one of my friends had enslaved herself to a religious teacher who had been dead for two thousand years, I'd be a little freaked out too!  For all these reasons, I wanted to fully write out the meaning behind my tattoo.  This blog seemed like a good place to do that.  I want to explain the manifold reasons why, of all the things I could have chosen to permanently etch on my body, I chose this phrase.  These words.  This mark.  This way of identifying myself.


SO....it says WHAT again?

My tattoo says, "Bondslave of Jesus Christ" in Hebrew.  As most of you know, I'm kind of a history buff, so here's the background of what that even means, from a historical and biblical point of view.  In Old Testament times, slavery was part of life.  And in the Old Testament law, God gave his people Israel specific instructions on how they were to live out every aspect of their lives, and that included how they were to treat their slaves.  Typically slaves, with their families, served their masters for a period of six years.  When that six years had passed, their masters would set them free.  However, to be set free always involved a great risk.  In these ancient times, life was no picnic.  Just because you had been freed from one master did not mean that you could not be resold into slavery to someone else.  And who was to say that your next master would not be more harsh or more cruel than the master you had before?  What if you had formed a bond of friendship with your master and those of his household?  What if you didn't want to be freed?  That sounds like such a foreign concept to us now, but in those times the option of being able to remain in the service of a loving and kind master was very attractive to a slave.  In the book of Exodus, these are God's instructions to His people: "If you buy a Hebrew servant, he is to serve you for six years. But in the seventh year he shall go free, without paying anything...But if the servant declares, ‘I love my master and my wife and children and do not want to go free,’ then his master must take him before the judges. He shall take him to the door or the doorpost and pierce his ear with an awl. Then he will be his servant for life." Exodus 21:2; 5-6. When a servant became a bondslave, he bore the mark of his master on his ear so that it was visible to everyone.  (This, by the way, is why I chose to get the phrase tattooed behind my right ear).  From that point on, no one could sell that slave into slavery to anyone else.  He had voluntarily bonded himself to his master, promising to serve him indefinitely, and in return the master had bonded himself to his slave, promising to care for and protect his servant for the rest of both of their lives.

Now this is a really cool theological and symbolic concept, but I still haven't answered the question of why I felt the need to have this phrase tattooed on myself.  There are hundreds of verses and phrases in the Bible I could have chosen.  So why this one?  For me it is this- when I became a Christian and accepted Christ's sacrifice on the cross for me, I know that He rescued me from my previous master, Sin.  I know that I am committed to Him because He is committed to me and that nothing in heaven or earth can snatch me out of His hand.  I believe that.  The problem is....... I forget it a lot.  I have a tendency to live my life like I'm still a slave to some of my not-so-nice former masters.  They don't own me anymore, but oftentimes I live like they still do.  People pleasing. Striving for perfection. Control. Anxiety. Shame. Guilt. Arrogance.  They may sound like small things, but for me, they have a way of pushing me around my own life with a whip and sucking the joy out of each breath.  I don't know what it is in your life that has that kind of power over you, its different for everyone, but we all have that thing, that thought, that addiction, that need, that renders us totally helpless and out of control.  Enslaved.  But for those of us who have been purchased by Christ, we don't have to live in such bondage anymore.  Sin is no longer my master, for I am no longer under the law but under grace.  I need the constant reminder that it is only as a bondslave of Christ Jesus that I can experience true, and total freedom.  So when I run my finger along the back of my ear and imagine the mark that I can no longer feel, I am remembering that I am not my own. I am marked.  I am a slave.  I am free.