Catch Me If You Can

Maybe its just me, but do any of you have that thing that you are constantly chasing?  You can see it off in the distance, so close you can almost reach it, but somehow as soon as you reach it, it's still further off.  It's that thing that you are really pursuing above everything else.  We talk about pursuing love, and pursuing grace, and pursuing peace.  But that's the point, we're always pursuing these things, how often can we say that we have taken hold of them, grasped them, and allowed them to ground us deeply?

I'm always chasing contentment.  Running after it at a breakneck pace.  Somehow, no matter what right this millisecond looks like, there is always a moment or a person or a situation from the past or an imagined fantasy of the future, that feels SO much better than the present.  I look back with regret on all the times that I did not fully and truly experience what was going on around me because I was too busy longing to be elsewhere.  And now, so often, I'm missing this present, this right now, because I am remembering the way things were before.  Even more dangerous for me is extrapolating into the future.  Is there anything worse than the "If only" game?  If only I was prettier.  If only I was smarter. If only I could have that.  If only I could go there.  If only I could be like her.  If only, then.  Then I will be content.  Then I will be satisfied.  Then I will be happy.  Then I will be able to relax.  Then (and only then) I will be able to sit down on the inside and fully worship the God that I claim to trust and obey.

But it doesn't work.  Have you ever watched little kids at the park chasing butterflies?  They run and they run on their short little legs reaching with chubby fingers to grasp at the jewel floating on the wind.  Even when they think they've finally caught up, the treasure will flutter just a bit higher and up out of their grasp.  Every once in a blue moon, a child will pounce upon a particularly tired or unaware butterfly.  They capture their prize with glee only to look down crestfallen.  In their enthusiasm, they have inadvertently crushed the patterned wings that they had so admired, and suddenly this game is no longer fun.  Lets go play something else.  When I finally achieve or possess that thing which promised me contentment, there is the initial rush of victory, but it is quickly followed by a strange sense of loss.  Now, I want something else.  And won't we always?

There is a single girl, and all she wants is a boyfriend.  That's all.  If she can just have that she will be content.  But then she gets the boyfriend and she just wants him to be her fiance.  That's all.  Then she's so tired of being a fiance and just wants a husband.  Now she's desperate to have a family.  But if they would hurry up and grow up a little so she doesn't have to change so many dirty diapers, it would be SO nice....and honestly, all she needs is for them to get into the very best schools so she won't have to worry so much.  If only they will make the best grades.  If only they will behave.  If only she could get a better job.  If only she could make more money.  Then, THEN she will be.....perfectly content.  It is never ending.  It is never satisfying.  It is a race I cannot win.  The things I pursue are too fragile to carry the weight of all my happiness.  I look down the road I'm on and feel despair when I realize that there is no finish line, and no final destination.  Just when I think I have caught up on contentment, I open my hands in triumph only to discover broken wings.

I have this favorite quote.  Its my favorite because I find it nearly impossible.  Jim Elliot once said, "Wherever you are, be all there".  But...HOW?  The only conclusion I can come to is the chorus of a song that's been running through my head as I've pounded this out on my computer keys-  "There is a joy in the journey, There's a light we can love on the way.  There is a wonder and a wildness to life, and freedom for those who obey"  I have no claim on yesterday.  Yesterday makes me who I am, but I cannot change it, no matter how hard I might wish otherwise.  Tomorrow is an utter mystery.  And it has not been promised to me, how can I presume otherwise?  Today.  Now, right now, is all I have.  Just this piece of the road i'm currently walking.  Can I find Joy in this Journey called Life?  Can I let Jesus meet me in the HERE?  If I could learn this lesson, I can hardly fathom the richness my life would have.  All that striving, eliminated.  All that stress and discontent swept away by my present reality of a life hidden in Christ alone.  Just for this moment.  Just for this breath.  I very much doubt I shall ever truly get the hang of it.  But I think, at the end of the day, I would much rather try to pursue a Christ that I cannot crush with my own whims, than spend all my energy chasing a vision of a flimsy fulfillment that will leave me empty handed.